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So this is it. Starting point. Kick off. Not the first moment of me trying to change, or the deciding moment, or even the first time I've tried to do something with my life. But accountability is worth something, or so they tell me, so maybe it's worth it to try and keep track of this stuff. Honesty. Being up front. No hiding behind the good image I've built for myself elsewhere. This is the shit that I don't want to talk about through normal channels. The fuck-ups, the breakthroughs, the pain and pleasure of trying to figure out what I want, where I want it, and why I want it there.

More importantly, trying to get me-on-the-outside to look more like me-on-the-inside.

That's not going to happen without surgery. And that's not going to happen. Not too many doctors or psychs willing to sign you up for removals without replacements, at least not without a diagnosis of gender issues (which I have, but since I don't fit into the binary, it doesn't get taken seriously), and I can't afford to pay for it all myself.

I do what I can. Maybe bit by bit, I'll get there, until some morning I can wake up and look in the mirror and not have someone-I'm-not staring back at me.

But it's late, I'm tired, and I'm hoping insomnia doesn't kick my ass again tonight like it's been doing the past week. Too much on my mind, not enough ability to put it aside before bedtime.

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Tor

May 2014

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